Terrifying Thoughts
by ShutUpAndPaddle
Summary: Horatio's remained a strong man for his entire life, but he's only human. His past and present have left a once tenacious and compassionate man contemplating the worst.
1. Chapter 1

**Terrifying Thoughts**

**Chapter 1**

Horatio had noticed that over the past few months, his job was becoming more and more demanding. He sat at his desk, looking down at the stack of never ending paperwork that didn't seem to decrease no matter how much effort and work he put into it.

'_Crime rates really are sky-rocketing, what is this world we live in?'_ Horatio questioned to himself as he picked up another file with a sigh. He'd managed to keep his concentration for 3 hours, hammering through the paperwork only for more to be delivered.

He sat back in the chair and ran his hands through his hair, feeling his stress levels elevate as his eyes hurt from too much reading. Even his hand hurt from signing so many things. He looked down at the files and let out a long sigh, he needed a break from it all. He looked around his office for some sort of motivation to carry on with the work, but his bare office offered him nothing.

"Hey, coffee?" Zoë asked as she walked through his office door with a fresh smile, she knew that he was doing paperwork and hadn't seen him venture out of his office in sometime. Horatio looked up and saw her entering with a large cup of coffee and a small smile began to develop as the feeling of relief over-came his stress. He felt his office brighten up as she stood in front of his desk.

"Thank you, Zoë." Horatio said sincerely as she placed it on his desk for him.

"You're working yourself into the ground, Horatio. You can't keep this up." Zoë said as she walked around his desk and placed her hand on his shoulder. He looked up at her and gave her a small forced smile. He admired her cream trousers and baby pink cardigan as it clung to her body.

"I'm fine, Zoë." Horatio assured her but she knew he was lying to her. She moved her hand to the back of his neck and tenderly rubbed it and she saw Horatio visibly relax. '_He's way too stressed for this.'_ Zoë thought to herself as she looked down at the paperwork.

"You need a break at least." She exhaled as he reached for his coffee.

"That's exactly what I'm doing now." Horatio exhaled as he brought the coffee closer to him, even the smell of it made his mouth water. He hadn't realised that he was hungry until that moment. He watched her reach over to some of the files as she studied them while he took a few sips of the perfectly made coffee.

"What dick keeps sending you all of this?" She asked as she looked at the name on some of the files.

"Zoë…" Horatio choked on his sip, scolding her reminding her to keep her language under wraps.

"I said dick, Horatio. Evidently this guy… Matthew Jenkins is a dick if he keeps dumping this on your desk. This is the work of 2… even 3 people, Horatio. You cannot be expected to do all of this." Zoë exhaled as she placed her hands on her hips. She glanced around and then caught a glimpse of dark clouds forming high in the sky through the window. Horatio looked down at the work, knowing that it certainly was a lot more work than one man could do and stay sane. He placed his coffee down and exhaled as he rubbed his eyes.

"Come here, handsome." Zoë said as she looked back down at him and saw his stress. She leant over and gave him a warm hug. He felt her hand against his face and it made him feel better, he then felt the rhythm of her breathing and it calmed him down more so.

"How about we go out for a relaxing meal tonight? Get away from all of this, yeah?" Zoë questioned and Horatio nodded with a content moan.

"Okay" Zoë said with a smile as she stood back up straight and sorted her cardigan out.

"Have a break, and I'll see you later." Zoë said softly and Horatio gave her a smile and looked into her soothing chocolate brown eyes. She leant in closer and made contact with his lips, using hers. He kissed her back as he placed his hand on the back of her neck as she raised her hand to the back of his and ran her fingers through his hair. She could feel his need so she parted her lips and deepened the kiss for him. He stood as she did and took a gentle hold of her waist as he leant her against his desk, she didn't complain. She could feel him relaxing. They heard a knock at the door and they broke the kiss as Horatio sat back down and sorted his jacket out. Zoë quickly wiped some of her lip balm from his lip and stepped back with a smile.

"Come in." Horatio called and the door opened.

"Hi H, Zoë. Zoë we need you in the lab." Ryan said softly.

"I'll be right there." Zoë said with a sweet smile and Ryan nodded and then closed the door after he left.

"Why aren't we ever disturbed when we just talk?" Zoë asked with a smile as she looked down at Horatio sat in his chair. A small smile appeared across his lips as he looked up at her.

"Anyway, relax, I'll see you later." She said as she placed her hand on his shoulder and he gave her a nod.

"Thank you, Zoë." Horatio said softly. She flashed him a brilliant smile and then began to walk back around his desk as she grabbed a handful of files.

"Put those back please, Zoë." Horatio asked softly.

"I'm not having you do all of that, Horatio." She said as she put a hand on her hip and turned around.

"They need my signature specifically." Horatio said as he studied her posture and knew he wasn't going to win immediately. '_She'll know I'm lying to her, she'll get round me somehow…'_ Horatio thought to himself.

"Well, which ones don't need your signature?" Zoë questioned as she walked back over to the desk. Horatio remained silent as he looked up at her. '_She didn't pick up on my lie, this has to be the first time ever that she's not seen through me.'_ Horatio thought to himself, a little shocked.

"Tell me, Horatio. Either I take some to do for you or I'm taking these straight back to this Matthew Jenkins with a lovely message from me personally." She said looking at him firmly.

"Zoë, you cannot be doing any more work, sweetheart." Horatio pleaded, wanting her to drop it. He watched her stance change to more of a defensive one and he pointed to a pile, he knew he wouldn't win.

"Thank you." Zoë said softly with a smile as she put the files she had down and picked up more than half of the other pile.

"You are not doing all of that." Horatio said, firmly as he began to rise to his feet.

"I am, now please sit down and enjoy that coffee." She said as she gave him another smile and then turned around to walk out. Horatio sat back and exhaled, shaking his head. A few minutes later, Horatio's phone bleeped at him.

"_Don't worry, I can handle it. Anyway, I'll get Ryan to do some; he's being a lazy ass. :P Z xx_" Horatio read the message and shook his head with a small smile. '_What am I going to do with her_?' Horatio thought to himself as he imagined her fresh smile again and sat back with his coffee. For a moment he felt content until he looked back down at his desk.

He was quickly thrown back into the world of reality when his break was over and he had to hammer on with more paperwork. A few more hours passed again and Horatio was just as stressed as he was before Zoë had come in.

He felt exhausted, stressed and agitated, not even another coffee could calm him down that afternoon. He powered on when something snapped in his head and he just dropped the pen, and stared blankly at the paper that lay before him. The stress had caused him to think about his brother, Ray. '_The job destroyed his life, it got him killed. I shouldn't have let him take the narco's job, if I hadn't have let him take the job, he'd probably still be here. It's my fault he's dead, it's my fault he was killed, I didn't protect him like an older brother should.'_ Horatio thought to himself as he sat back and rubbed his eyes, feeling the guilt about his brother bore a hole into his soul.

'_Mother,_ _I couldn't protect her either, she died because I was too cowardly to stop him. I should have killed him before he had a chance to get to her. She didn't deserve anything like that.'_ He thought to himself as he clenched his jaw, feeling completely to blame for their deaths.

'_Speed, he died in my arms because I didn't make sure he was keeping his gun clean… Marisol, she was killed because of me.'_ He then envisioned Eric being shot in the head again, right beside himself. He remembered looking down at Eric as he lay virtually lifeless on the floor before him, he remembered the tone he used to call Eric's name. '_I should have done more to protect them all, they all died because of my incompetence, my cowardliness.'_ He convinced himself. He clenched his fists in anger as he stared down at his black desk.

'_Zoë, she's been hurt so many times because of me, I've caused her physical and mental pain. We lost Maya because of me, I got our baby killed, our flesh and blood. She would have grown up to be perfect just like her mother; she would have been so beautiful, so smart. I should have protected the both of them with my life, they were vulnerable, and they needed me.'_ Horatio swallowed when he felt the lump in his throat form. _'I've nearly gotten Zoë killed so many times, how many more times is it going to happen because of me? What if I do get her killed? That's more blood on my hands. That's Zoë's blood on my hands.'_ Horatio thought to himself but his train of guilt and thought was lost by Zoë as she walked through into his office, looking ready to go. He looked down at his watch and he realised that he'd been stewing in his thoughts for over an hour.

"Are you ready to go, handsome?" Zoë asked softly, she saw Horatio tormented with stress and anguish. '_He is doing nothing but relaxing tonight._' She thought to herself as he looked up at her and then glanced down at the pile of files that still sit at his desk.

"You're leaving that there." Zoë said softly as she walked around the desk and took hold of one of his clenched fists.

"Come on, we're going home." Zoë said warmly and he looked up at her and nodded. He unclenched his fists and interlocked his fingers with Zoë's. He stood and picked up his phone from the desk and left the file open as he walked out, hand in hand with Zoë.

"I may have a treat in store for you later." She grinned up at him as they walked over to the car. He couldn't help but let a small boyish grin appear across his face as he glanced down at her.

"But you need to undress me to find out what the treat is." She grinned as she looked up at him and saw an even wider grin appearing across his face.

"I'm driving, you relax." She said as she let go of his hand and then quickly and slyly took the keys from his other hand. He smiled at her and then turned around to look at the building. He looked up and saw the looming black cloud above them, blocking out all sunlight. He exhaled and his mood had suddenly dropped again. He slowly turned and got into the car with Zoë.

Zoë got him home and told him to go and have a relaxing shower or bath while she put some washing on. She changed into some joggers and a tank-top and quickly tidied and cleaned the living room and kitchen while Horatio showered and changed. Horatio walked into the kitchen as she was wiping the sides down and she turned around to see him just as stressed.

"Would you like a drink, handsome?" She questioned softly and she gave him a calm expression.

"No thank you beautiful. I need to go to the shop to pick something up, I'll be back in a moment." Horatio said as he walked up to her and she gave him a nod.

"Are you sure you don't want me to go for you? You can stay here and relax, I don't mind going." She asked as he placed his hands on her waist.

"I'm sure, beautiful." Horatio said softly and then planted a loving yet salacious kiss on her lips.

'_He really has had a rough day at work, I'm definitely having words with this Matthew. I'm also going to give Horatio the time of his life later. He definitely won't be stressed when I've had my way with him.'_ Zoë thought to herself as she felt the emotion and neediness in his kiss.

"I love you, so much." He said sincerely as he broke from the kiss and looked into her eyes.

"And I you, too. Don't be too long, I'll book us a table." She said softly and Horatio gave her a nod and backed off. He walked out of the house and Zoë carried on tidying and cleaning the house. '_Something isn't right with him, why does he need to go to the shop? He has everything he needs. I guess he might want something to snack on, I know we're out of chocolate because it all accidently fell into my mouth. Perhaps he just wants chocolate to help de-stress." _Zoe thought to herself.

She glanced down at her watch and realised that 50 minutes had passed and Horatio hadn't come back yet.

'_Where is he? The traffic isn't that bad tonight; he shouldn't be taking this long. I'll give him another 10 minutes and then I'll call him.'_ She thought to herself. The 10 minutes passed but it felt like 10 hours to Zoë, she pulled her phone out and rang him. He didn't answer.

_'He's not answering, he always answers, something has to be up_.' She thought to herself when she got that distinct bad feeling that formed a pit in her stomach.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

'_I'll drive to the shop, perhaps he's just got caught up?'_ She thought to herself as she changed and pulled on some skinny jeans and a polo shirt. She closed the door after she left and hopped into her car when her bad feeling multiplied. She swallowed and reversed off the drive and began to drive down the road when she glanced over at Horatio's house and saw a light on and the garage door open slightly. She swallowed and she saw that Horatio's car had pulled up and into the garage but wasn't parked in there properly and prevented the garage door from closing. '_What's he doing?'_ She questioned herself when she pulled up on his drive and pulled her gun from the glove compartment. She stared at the house and took a deep breath.

'_I've not been in there since I was pregnant with Maya, what's he doing in there?'_ She thought to herself, trying to will herself to get out of the car but something was stopping her. '_This is where they took me and took Maya away from us, how can I step foot in there again?'_ Zoë questioned herself as she looked at the house. '_Come on, you can do this, he's in there, he might be in trouble, you need to go in.'_ She thought to herself, biting her bottom lip. She managed to drag herself out of the car and closed the door quietly. She froze into position once she took a step closer to the house when she began to feel the terror she felt when the 4 men burst in and took her.

'_Come on! He might need you, he might be in trouble! Go in you wimp!'_ She took a deep breath and wiped one of her eyes. '_I can't do this, I can't.' _ She took a step back and ran a hand through her hair. She gritted her teeth and then heard something smash, her heart rate accelerated as she began to panic. Her instincts kicked in and she ran over to the garage. '_He's got to be in trouble.'_ She thought as she bent down under the garage door and ran through the garage to the door that led to the house. She quietly opened it and let herself in, drawing her gun, on high alert.

She stalked past the downstairs bathroom and into the kitchen when memories and emotions began to flood back.

"Horatio?" She called loudly, trying to push the memories back along with her emotions to make sure he was okay. Her eyes welled with tears as she checked the study and then went back through to the kitchen.

"Horatio, are you here?" She questioned as tears began to stream down her cheeks as she wiped them with her left hand, keeping her right raised with the gun. '_Come one, be strong, he needs you.'_ She thought to herself. She cautiously walked through to the living room and saw a few things disturbed and the coffee table broken.

"Horatio?!" She yelled, fearing that something bad had happened to him.

"Horatio, where are you?!" She yelled as tears began to cascade down her cheeks faster, impairing her sight. '_Pull yourself together!' _She yelled at herself, as she turned around and headed for the stairs.

"Horatio?!" She yelled as she ran up the stairs and kicked open his bedroom door, her eyes widened once the door had flung open.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

"Horatio! Horatio, are you okay? Is there anyone else here?" She questioned as she rushed over to him. He was kneeling on the floor beside his bed holding his gun firmly on his thighs, staring blankly at the carpet in front of him.

"Is there anyone else here, Horatio?" She questioned as she approached him, glancing around the room but she still didn't get an answer from him. She saw blood trickling down his face from a gash in the side of his forehead beside his eyebrow.

"Who did this? What happened?" She questioned, she didn't get an answer from him so she backed off and ran down the hall, kicking all of the doors in, but she didn't find anyone. She ran back into Horatio's room and put her gun away as she knelt in front of him. She placed her hands over his gun and tried to take it from him but his grip on the gun tightened.

"Horatio, can you talk to me?" She questioned as she placed her right hand on the side of his face, looking into his tormented eyes. Her eyes studied the gash more and she rose to her feet. She quickly picked up a clean cloth and then knelt in front of him again.

"This is going to hurt, Horatio. I'm sorry." She said softly as she placed the cloth against his head and stemmed the bleeding. She held it there with her left hand as her right fell to his thighs and took hold of the gun again.

"Horatio, let me have the gun, please." She pleaded with him but his grip remained firm, she looked back up into his cold eyes and didn't see the Horatio she knew.

"What are you doing, Horatio? What's happening? Did someone do this?" She asked as she placed her right hand back on his face and moved in closer. She saw him swallow and his eyes finally moved, following her movement.

"Did someone do this?" She questioned and he slowly shook his head at her.

"Horatio, can I have the gun? I need the gun handsome." She said firmly, but compassinonately. He glanced down at the gun in his grip and looked back up at her as she dropped her hand from his face and took hold of the gun once again.

"I need the gun, Horatio." She said looking into his eyes and she finally felt his grip loosen. '_What is going on?'_ She thought to herself.

"Horatio, talk to me." She said as she took the gun from his hands and put the safety on. She placed it on the floor beside her and then placed her hands in his, on his thighs and looked into his eyes. She exhaled when she didn't get anything from him.

"I need you to get up for me, Horatio. I want you to sit on the bed." She said firmly, she pulled the cloth away from his head and it began to bleed again, slowly.

"Horatio, I want you to stand, please." She said firmly as she put the cloth on the floor and took hold of his other hand and stood up herself. He finally moved and she helped pull him up.

"I'm going to sit you on your bed, okay?" She asked and didn't get a response from him. She walked him back and sat him on the bed.

"Stay here, do not move, Horatio." She said firmly as she backed off and picked up both guns and ran downstairs to pick up the first aid kit she'd left there. She began to weep again as she ran through the kitchen and jumped on the side to pull the first aid kit from the top of the cupboard. She jumped down and tried to dry her tears as she ran back upstairs. She opened the first aid kit but realised she didn't restock it. '_I need to get him back to mine.' _She thought to herself as she ran to get another clean cloth. She placed it against his head and raised one of his hands to it.

"Hold that there for me, please." She said as she pulled out her pen torch from the first aid kit.

"Horatio, I'm going to shine this in your eyes, okay? Just look at me." She said as she opened his eyes wider and shone it in. '_Equal and reactive, good.' _She thought to herself.

"Horatio, I need you to talk to me, are you hurt anywhere else?" She pleaded as she placed both of her hands on his thighs as she knelt on the floor and looked up at him.

"No" he mumbled as he shook his head.

"Okay, well done Horatio." She said softly as she rubbed his thighs, happy to hear him speak. Zoë quickly picked both guns up and put them in the back of her jeans. Her phone began to ring, she looked at it and declined the call when she saw Ryan's name pop up.

"I need to get you back to mine, Horatio, do you think you can walk?" She questioned as she wiped the tears from her eyes. He nodded at her and looked into her red, watery eyes.

"Okay, come on then handsome." She mumbled as she dried her eyes one last time and took hold of his free hand. He stood and she put his arm around her shoulders and then placed her hands around his waist to try her best to support him. She got him out of the house and made sure the door that led to the house from the garage was locked so no-one could get in. She got him into her house and he didn't say a word, she pulled her first aid kit from the cupboard and took him through to the downstairs bathroom. She sat him on the loo and took his hand away from the cloth.

"Talk to me, Horatio. Tell me what happened." She said as she pulled on some gloves as she threw the cloth away. Horatio remained silent as she pulled out some saline solution from the bag.

"Okay Horatio, I'm going to tip your head back and clean the wound, okay?" She said softly and didn't get a response so she just did it. She stood over him and cleaned the wound, he didn't even hiss in pain. '_What is going through his head? What the hell happened? I shouldn't have let him go, I should have made him stay. I should have seen his stress and anguish.' _She thought to herself.

"It's a clean cut, Horatio. It won't need stiches but I'll need to put some steri-strips on it, okay?" She asked as she pulled them out of the bag and then cut them to size. She stood over him again and she felt him raise his hand and place it on her waist, lightly.

"You're okay handsome. I think you've just had too much of a stressful day, that's all." She said softly as she placed the strips on his wound. She threw the rest of the strips back in her bag and inspected her work. She then heard a knock at the door and stepped back from him.

"Stay here, Horatio. Don't move." She said softly as she turned around and walked out and pulled her gloves off only to realise that her hands were also covered in blood. She checked who it was and exhaled when she saw Ryan there. She opened the door and looked at him.

"I'm sorry Ryan, but now is not a good time." She said softly as she exhaled.

"Are you okay?" He questioned when he saw the tears in her eyes and knew she'd been crying.

"I'm fine, but now isn't a good time, sorry." She said softly and began to close the door, she wanted him to leave as soon as possible; she knew she'd end up crying again as she could feel her emotions swelling inside again.

"Wait, are you hurt?" He questioned, seeing the blood on her hands.

"No, Horatio's just had an accident, that's all. I need to get back to him." She said and Ryan gave her a nod and stepped back. She closed the door as he walked away. She quickly walked back into the bathroom to see Horatio leaning on the sink, looking at himself in the mirror. She could see the torment and rage in his stance and the hurt his eyes as she approached him.

"I need you to take a deep breath, Horatio." She said and he looked over at her. He looked back at the mirror and raised his hand and went to hit his reflection in the mirror but Zoë grabbed hold of his fist and pulled it away, turning him in the process.

"I don't know what's going through your head, Horatio, but I need you to calm down, please." She pleaded him.

"Come on, I need to get you into bed, you're exhausted." She said as she took his other hand and very delicately guided him out of the bathroom and up the stairs. '_It's the paperwork, it's gotten to him, it must be the paperwork.'_ She thought to herself as she opened her bedroom door and sat him on the side of the bed that he always sleeps on. She pulled his jacket off and then began to undo his buttons.

"You're going to sleep for a little while, Horatio, okay?" She said softly and he nodded at her as he let her undo his buttons. She pulled his shirt off after undoing his cuffs and threw it in the washing bin along with his jacket. She pulled off his shoes and socks, then un-did his belt and pulled it off him.

"I need you to stand for me, Horatio." She said and he did as she asked and stood, staring blankly at the window. Zoë's heart ached for him, she didn't know what else she could do for him though. She undid his trousers and pulled them down and got him to step out of them. She pulled the duvet cover back and laid him down. She pulled the duvet up over him as he closed his eyes.

"Sleep tight, handsome." She said quietly and then backed out of the room and closed the door as his breathing steadied out. She walked downstairs and leant against the wall at the bottom of the stairs and took a deep breath. She felt confused, upset and completely distraught, not only did she have to face horrible memories, but she had to witness Horatio in a complete meltdown. '_Everything must have gotten to him, I've tried to lessen the load on him, I guess I didn't try hard enough. I'm having words with them at work tomorrow. He's been so strong for so long, it must have gotten to him.'_ She thought to herself as she pulled herself from the wall and dried her tears as she made herself a cup of tea. She sat on the sofa and flicked the TV on.

'_This wasn't how I imagined the evening to turn out_.' She thought to herself as she stared at the TV screen, she wasn't taking any of it in, she was just thinking to herself. She began to play with her necklace as she sipped her tea and relaxed back into the sofa.

'_I feel so bad for him, I know exactly where he is and what he's feeling. I just hope I can pull him out of it as well as he pulled me out of it.'_ She thought to herself. She closed her eyes and began to doze.

She woke when she heard Horatio coming down the stairs and glanced around as he appeared at the living room. She stood up and saw that he'd put a t-shirt on as well as some jogging bottoms.

"How are you feeling?" She asked softly. Horatio rubbed his head a little, she could see that he was confused.

"Alright" he mumbled. He began to remember some of the events before he was put to bed, he took a deep breath when he saw that Zoë was struggling to remain calm.

"Are you going to talk to me?" She asked softly as she walked past him and through to the kitchen with her empty mug. He followed her through.

"There's nothing to talk about." He said softly and quietly. He watched Zoë sigh and then turn around to face him as she leant back on the counter.

"Horatio, I had to drag you out of your house, you were near catatonic, you had a gun in your hands and a large gash on your head, I think there's a lot we need to talk about." She said as she looked up at him

Horatio swallowed feeling incredibly bad as she had to go into his house and he knew that she never wanted to step foot in there again.

"Horatio, I know what you're feeling like, I was there, you pulled me out of it and I'm trying to do the same here. I need you to talk to me." She said as she tilted her head, holding her tears back when she envisioned his kitchen again.

"Were you going to kill yourself?" She questioned bluntly when she didn't get an answer from him.

"I thought about it." He said honestly as he looked up at her and saw how distraught she was.

"Why?" She asked as she exhaled and shook her head.

"Because no-one would care, it's better of I wasn't here." Horatio mumbled as he looked down at the floor.

"That's not true and you know it, Horatio." She said as she pushed herself off the counter.

"It is, I've let everyone I've cared about die, their deaths are my fault, I have their blood on my hands. I've almost lost you so many times, Zoë, I can't put you through anymore, everyone is better off without me." Horatio said, looking up at her, he could see the tears form in her eyes.

"No-one's death is your fault, you don't have blood on your hands. You think by killing yourself will not put me through anymore? Horatio, that would be the most devastating thing in my entire life, if you killed yourself that would be so much worse than everyone's death in my life put together because you chose to do it. Everyone is better off with you here, I _need_ you here. You're not responsible for anyone's death, Horatio, don't you dare tell yourself that you are. You've saved my life so many times, Horatio, do you want me to count up just how many times you've saved me because I'm sure I can." She said, looking into his eyes. She finally saw the, warm, loving Horatio she knew.

"You're the most remarkable man I've ever met, your compassion and genuine need to help others overwhelms me, Horatio. You do more for others than you do for yourself and I think it's time that changed because that's the problem here. I'm so sorry that any of this has happened, but we need to sort this out, Horatio." She said, looking into his eyes.

"You deserve someone so much better than me, I'm worthless and a failure, don't waste your breath on me, Zoë." Horatio exhaled looking down at the floor.

"Horatio! You're not worthless or a failure, don't tell yourself that. I think you deserve someone better than me, you're too good for me, you're the best I've ever had and quite honestly, the best human being that walks this planet. 100 men do not equal you, you give so much and take so little. You mean the everything to me, but if you're not happy then I'm willing to do anything to change that and make you happy." She said, feeling a lump in her throat.

"Don't you understand, being with me is putting your life in danger? Speed, Marisol, my mother, my brother… even Maya, Zoë. I got Maya killed, they all died because of me. Zoë, I cannot lose you, I'd rather die than watch you get hurt." Horatio exhaled, looking into her eyes.

"Horatio, you need to listen to me, none of that is your fault! They made their decisions that ultimately sealed their fate. It was Speeds decision to neglect his gun, it was your brothers choice to transfer to narcotics… none of it is your fault!" She snapped at him, unable to control her emotions any longer.

"What about Maya? She had no choice or decision, Zoë." Horatio snapped back at her, he immediately regretted it when he watched her swallow and wipe her eyes as she looked up at the ceiling. Zoë looked back down at him as she continued to stop the tears from rolling down her cheeks. He saw that what he'd said drove a knife right thought her chest.

"That wasn't your fault, Horatio." She muttered, lowly. "**_I_** told you to go to work that day, **_I_** made that decision! Stop blaming yourself for all of this! Stop taking responsibilities for other peoples actions!" She raised her voice to him, wiping her eyes. He looked at her, now feeling guilty about upsetting her.

"We've both been dealt a horrible hand in life, Horatio. But we've got to move past it to live our lives to the full, we can't dwell on the past. You've got to let that all go or it's going to swallow you up and I can't sit back and watch that happen. I'd risk my life to be with you, and that is **MY** choice, I choose to be with you through the good and the bad." She said as she put her head in her hands and shook her head, unable to stop her emotions from pouring out of her. Horatio stepped forward when he finally saw how much she was trying to help him out, how much she cares and that he wasn't to blame in every death around him. He placed his arms around her and swallowed, he took in the scent of her hair and then exhaled the stress away.

"I don't know what I'd do without you. If you're ever feeling like that again, I need you to talk to me. I've realised the importance of talking, I think you need to as well." She mumbled into his chest and he nodded.

"I'm so sorry, Zoë." He said softly as he began to play with her hair.

"You don't need to apologise. I only wish you came to me to talk this through instead of letting the stress build up to this point." She murmured.

"I know, I know sweetheart" he agreed with her.

"You've got to stop blaming yourself for everything bad that happens, if you can't talk to me about it, at least get some professional help, Horatio. You shouldn't be blaming yourself. If there's ever a time to believe me it's now, you're not responsible for any of it." She murmured into his chest again and he took a deep breath.

"Thank you, beautiful." Horatio said softly, beginning to believe her. They broke from the embrace and looked into each other's eyes.

"I think you need a few days off work and I think I could do with it too now." She said softly, with a very small smile. Horatio nodded at her.

"We're going to get away from Miami for a short while; we'll go to the Turks and Caicos Islands and have a few days of relaxation, okay?" She asked, looking up at him.

"That sounds lovely." Horatio said softly as he wiped the tears from her eyes.

"I'll book the tickets now and I'll phone work tomorrow." She said and he nodded at her.

"How are you feeling now?" She asked softly as he dropped his hands from her face to her waist.

"A lot better, thank you." Horatio nodded, he didn't feel stressed at all.

"Good, I need you to promise me to talk to me whenever you're feeling stressed or something like that again, okay?" She asked and he nodded at her.

"I promise." Horatio said and she gave him a small smile.

"Thank you." She said softly and then gave him a small kiss on his lips.

"Do you want a coffee?" She asked and he nodded at her. She turned around and pulled two cups out of the cupboard and made one tea and one coffee as he moved behind her and wrapped his arms around her waist and took in the scent of her hair again. She poured the kettle as she let him hold her.

"Here you go, shall we go through to the living room?" She asked.

"Yes, thank you." He said softly as he let her go and took hold of the coffee. They walked through to the living room and Zoë sat next to Horatio and moved closer to him.

"Are you okay, sweetheart? I didn't mean for you to have to go into my house." He said softly, feeling bad that he subjected her to more mental pain.

"I'm fine, I'm good." She said softly.

"Are you sure?" He questioned, sensing that she wasn't. He put his arm around her and pulled her in closer.

"Yeah, initially it was daunting and hard, but I had to get you out of there and sort you out." She said softly as she exhaled.

"I'm so sorry beautiful. I won't ever make you or give you cause to go in there again." Horatio said softly as he began to caress her side. She nodded as she swallowed and looked at the TV.

"But, how did you know I was in there?" He questioned.

"I'm a CSI, Horatio… finding people is a part of my job. That and I saw that you had done an awful job at parking your car so the garage door didn't come completely down." She said softly. Horatio smiled and nodded.

"I'm going to go and move your car, someone could get into your garage." She said as she put her tea down on the coffee table.

"No sweetheart, I'll do that. Don't worry." Horatio said softly as he put his coffee down as she stood.

"It's okay, I'll do it." Zoë said softly.

"I'm not letting you do it." Horatio said, knowing that it would cause her more stress if she had to go.

"Well then we'll both go and do it? I'm not letting you do it on your own." She asked and he nodded at her.

They walked down the road and up onto his drive. Zoë stopped half-way up the drive when she was assaulted with memories and visions again.

'_I essentially lost my baby in that house.'_ She thought to herself as Horatio placed his hand on her back.

"It's okay beautiful, you wait here and I'll go and get the car." Horatio said softly and Zoë nodded at him and watched him walk up the drive and open the garage door with the button on his keys. She watched him climb into the car and reverse it back off and close the garage then parked it on the drive. He got out and placed his arm around Zoë and walked her back to hers.

"I'm going to put the house up for sale when we get back, okay? I'll put the stuff into storage and we can use what we want from my house in yours, okay?" Horatio said softly and Zoë nodded. They got back to Zoë's and Horatio comforted her as they sat on the sofa.

"I'm going to put some dinner on as I don't think either of us are in a state to go out." Horatio said softly.

"No, you're going to stay here and relax while I put something easy in the oven and call the travel agents." Zoë said as she got up and picked up their cups.

"Zoë, I'll cook, it's okay." Horatio said softly.

"No arguing with me, you're going to relax and relax only." She said as she walked out. Horatio sat back and chuckled to himself a little. He heard her on the phone and then walked out and pulled his credit card out and held it out to her. She shook her head and held up hers. Horatio raised his eyebrows at her and tried to get her to take his card again but she turned and walked away and gave the details for the money to be taken out of her other account. Horatio exhaled and put his card away. She got off the phone and turned to him.

"First class flights booked for tomorrow afternoon at 12.55pm, return flight on Sunday at 11.30am." Zoë smiled at him.

"Zoë, you didn't have to do that. I'll pay half towards it." Horatio insisted.

"No, this holiday won't even cost half the amount of interest that gets paid into that account monthly anyway." She smiled.

"Just how much do you have in your account?"

"Erm… look for yourself." She smiled as she handed him her phone with her bank details and amount on the screen. Horatio's mouth dropped.

"How?" He questioned.

"I come from a wealthy background, Horatio. When they all died, I was the only heir and I inherited it all. That account has been growing ever since my parents died." She said looking at him. "When my aunt and uncle died, their money was added to it as I was the only heir as they never were able to have children of their own." She added softly as she took the phone back from him.

"Now do you see why money has never been a bother for me?" She asked and he nodded.

"See, don't worry about money, Horatio. I have us set up for life, even if we don't work." She smiled and Horatio nodded at her.

"I knew you were well off, but I didn't know you were that wealthy." Horatio said still shocked.

"It's not a problem, is it?" She asked softly.

"No, of course not" Horatio said with a smile as he pulled her in and placed his hands on her waist.

"You know what…" She said looking up at him with a wide smile.

"What?" Horatio grinned.

"We'll be in Turks and Caicos for my birthday." She grinned.

"We certainly will be." Horatio smiled at her.

"I think we should go to bed soon." Zoë suggested with a sweet smile and Horatio nodded at her.

The next day, they got up and Zoë rang into work saying that they were both taking a few days off. She got back to packing with Horatio and then rang Ryan quickly.

"Hey, I'm really sorry about yesterday." She said softly.

"Hey, not a problem, are you okay? Is H okay? Are you not coming into work?" Ryan questioned.

"We're good, no we're not, we're taking a few days off, we won't be in contact for a couple of days but we'll be back to work on Monday." Zoë said softly.

"Okay, going somewhere?" Ryan questioned softly.

"Yes, we're going to the Turks and Caicos islands." Zoë said with a smile as she looked up to Horatio.

"Nice, any reason why this is so sudden?" Ryan questioned.

"Not really, it's a spur of the moment type thing." She said happily.

"Okay, well, have a nice time." Ryan said softly.

"We will, thank you." Zoë said and they then hung up after saying bye.

They got back Sunday evening and returned to work the next day, both feeling refreshed and energised. Zoë began to do some digging on why Horatio was getting so much work. She walked into his office and saw that there were stacks.

"If you think you're doing those, you've got another thing coming." Zoë said as she walked over to him.

"This Matthew guy has been dumping this shit on your desk to give himself an easy life. They're going straight back to his desk right now." Zoë said as she picked up a stack.

"Zoë, don't cause any trouble, please." Horatio said as he placed his hand on the stack.

"I won't but this is unacceptable, Horatio. You stay here because I want some words with him." She said as she pulled the pile away from his hand and turned around to walk out with a load of files. He saw the fire in her eyes and didn't utter a word as she walked out. Horatio swallowed and sat back, he didn't even want to follow her, he knew it wasn't going to be pretty but he was somewhat relieved that she had taken a load off him. She returned 20 minutes later with a satisfied grin on her face.

"He's not going to be doing that anymore." She said as she picked up another load, leaving Horatio with virtually nothing.

"What did you say?" Horatio questioned as he stood.

"Nothing that you'd like to hear" she grinned and then turned around and walked out. Horatio sat back and looked at the 3 files left. '_She's impossible… but she's mine and that's how I like her.'_ Horatio thought to himself with a small smile.

"There you go." Zoë said as she strolled back in.

"What did you say to him Zoë? You shouldn't be fighting my battles either." Horatio said as he leant forwards on his desk.

"Just that he's to stop being such a prick and some of his filthy habits may have come into it. Don't worry, he won't be sending much paper work through to you anymore." She smiled.

"Zoë, language… and you blackmailed him?" Horatio lightly scolded.

"Sorry Horatio, I told you that you wouldn't want to hear it." She said as she sat down in the chair.

"How did you know he had any particular habits, you don't even know him." Horatio asked, curious.

"Well, I can tell when a man is cheating on his wife with his secretary…" Zoë said, giving him a small cheeky grin. Horatio's mouth dropped open slightly in shock, mainly because he didn't think that Matthew would cheat on his wife, but also because Zoë had picked up on it almost immediately.

"I know right! He looked like a dirty little pervert anyway." Zoë said as she glanced down at her nails. Horatio chuckled as he sat back and shook his head.

"You never cease to amaze me, you know that, don't you? And you have that special way with words…" Horatio said softly and Zoë giggled a little with a smile.

"Anyway, I have work to do, so do you." Zoë grinned and then got up to lean over his desk and placed a kiss on his lips and then walked out. Horatio sat back, smiling to himself, feeling so much better than he did the previous week.

The End

**Thank you for reading, next story is called Meaningful Promises.**


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